oh fuck i am so done with everything.
i just need to rant and i feel bad that i always do it to amanda and i know she means well but it just got worse because she told joel what i texted her. I love my best friend, both of them. But sometimes i just want to scream at joel just so i can get some reaction out of him. He won't talk to me and i go sit with him and i get ignored. i feel like it is all my fault, just like always but he denies it whenever i try to talk about. I am always the bad guy. Joel is the all perfect guy that everyone loves because he can do no wrong. He is the child my parents love. They take his side over mine, because i am a spoiled bitch that is always the bad guy. And he is grandpa's best friend so then when me and joel get in a fight it is the only time grandpa will talk to me so make sure we don't break up so he won't loss his guy friend. doesn't matter that his granddaughter is miserable, tired, depressed and going to a fucking psychologist and a therapist now. But that doesn't matter as long as joel is happy then all should be right in the world. i just need to get over myself i think suck it up and shut the fuck up. I have tried in the past i need to try harder.

I feel like i don't belong here anymore.

</rant>

So this week has been so eventful. I went to Disneyland twice in a row both days being full fucking days. My feet hurt so much. LOL But I got to hang out with Amanda and a very old friend of mine. And her girlfriend, Monica. I love those two soo much. I found out they are getting married in December and I'm in their wedding. LOL Yay for going to Vegas. I traded a shit load of pins and I found the one I've been searching for for two months.

I wen to a Bridal shower yesterday with my mom and Aunt. It was ok but my mother was bugging the fuck out of me. And then she was actin all sweet because we were in public. I hate how hypocritical she can be. We had to play a bridal game and the dressed me up in toilet paper and made me a wedding dress out of it. It was funny since my Tia Val and mom were doing and then the older ladies were really cute since they were all seamstresses when they were my age. I do indeed love them. But I got some scrap book stuff after the party. I got some rockstar paper which totally rocks my socks. And then matching shoes that are all hardcore and guitarness...

I hung out with Joel, which was nice considering I haven't seen him for like a whole week and talk to him in two days. We started talking about marriage and he freaked the shit out of me. I suggested that he talk to my parents...for permission. Well it's funny considering that my fater doesn't really talk to Joel and my mom is just a bitch most of the time. He really just wants to ask my Grandpa for permission considering he is the only that cares for my happiness and would love to see me happy for once. It just scared the shit out of me...yay! So it would be a long engagement considering we won't get married till I'm done with school. But I do want things to just work out for once. But we realize that it's not. We can't mmove out and can't move in with Monica and Karista. I just want to be happy with my boyfriend. I want everything to work out.

Now I'm watching Monsters Inc. and I figured what I'm going to do for joel's birthday, me Monica, Karista and Joel are going to go to disneyland and I'm going to pay for a annaul pass for him, well 200 dollars worth...he has to do the other 50...well yeah. I hope he likes it. That way we can all go to the halloween event. I'm going to be Belle and Joel's going to be my Adam. I just have to make the outfits and Monica's rent pants...YAY for them being rodger and jessica rabbit. I have so many outfits to make....why do I do this. I love this movie...BOO!

I'm going to finish my movie and sandwich...Loves

So, I finally made a new layout and just re-did all of it, Thanks to Amanda for helping her brain dead friend.

This weekend has been good..the whole week to be sure. Drew Amanda's present, drank last night with my sister. Apparently I'm hilarious as a drunk. Istarted to go through my shit to give away. AND I finished my book...I have no idea how many I have read so far this summer. Alot for sure.

Me and the parents are getting along which is amazing and I get to go to the gym regularly, and Disneyland on Thursday with amanda and the mormon. I miss her.

Yay for obbsesing...and i don't think Joel is going to call me so i'm slightly depressed so I think i will just go read...yay for peter pan. It is rather good.

OH and I got to talk to Tina! I love you!

i've very tired of this house...yes i know it's not a surprise considering I always seem to bitch about it. I'm sorry that it's annoying but I don't have anybody at the moment to rant to. I really with I could just not be here at the moment, it's pretty much living hell and I realise now that it's the reason why I try to stay away from this place. Last night I risked falling asleep on the free way, because I knew if I spent the night at Joel's, in the spare bed room ALONE I would get hell from eve though I am an adult and have done alot of shit on my own considering my parents. They are so judgemental. It's quite annoying. They judge everyone including the woman I now call my other momma, Elizabeth. I mean I love this woman to death and they just see her in a negative light because they think they are sooooo much better. But they funny thing is this woman, who has known me less than a year, knows me better than my own parents. My parents don't much about me and I feel I have to lie to them about certain things because they are so condsending and I really don't want to feel like a 5 year old that just eat a cookie before dinner. I just wish that for one moment they would see me as who I really am and not what they think I should be, a toddler running around singing wizard of oz. I still do that, singing but only when I'm alone.

I don't know. And I feel bad for snapping at Joel he was only trying to make me feel better and I don't know I keep forgeting my meds.

On a lighter note, I drew today it's rather nice. And Joel and I are going to a wedding tommorw at Hungington Beach and it's rather un-formal. So I get to sun bath which wil be lovely and I haven't met any of Joel's friends. It should be rather interesting and fun.

I miss my friends, I miss Annie, Amanda and Tina the most. Even though those are like my only friends but that's not the point I do miss them. I want to just chill with amanda or even sit back and shoot the shit with Tina(in person) over a beer. But I know the last one won't happen anytime soon, as much as it saddens me) But I do want to hang out with amanda AND CUDDLE I need some serious love from the same sex I don't know i just miss talking to a person with a vagina every once and a while.

I went to a show last night, The Debaniors...I can't spell. They were pretty fucking rad. I had so much fun and hung out with my one day in laws...yep that's what I said. The show was a little too loud, as I said to Elizabeth, My non-exisident children are now deaf, YAY!. That and we scard a friend, her name is Babe. We were in the coffee house talking about how I will never meet Tony(Joel's Dad) and Andrew made the comment that I would see him at our wedding and me,Joel and his momma was like ummmm, no he won't. He'll find out that we are married many years down the line and maybe even after we start having kids.

It made me laugh, and it makes me happy to know that his family knows that we love each other. And I know what you are all thinking, "we are too young" But we plan to get married after college. And a double major like me...that's a hella of a long time.

So as my rant comes to an end I feel alot better. I will laugh if anybody read this to the end.

sooooo I finished Hp yesterday and my world is nowover. I didn't cry too much. It was extremely good. It ended with me not going OMG NOW WHAT. I called Amanda and ranted and that meaning me still being in shock. I can't believe she killed one of my lovable twins....and the whole thing with Tonks dieing....I don't see the point in both of them dieing and leaving Teddy alone. THe only thing that I was perpelxed about was who Teddy was "snogging" with in the epilodge...someone please help. Well....I am going to Comic Con tommorow and I'm hoping that they will have some hp stuff that I will force my father to buy*insert evil laugh here* And if I see a Puff patch that shit is mine

Shit is all fucked up right, hopefully it will be amended one can only hope and it's offical I have to be cruise director for everything...inside joke but it's true. I must go finish my homework so I can not stress tommorw and there will be a new layout...I'm thinking of something lime green or red...any suggestions...I was thinking something to with hp( as in the malfoys) or Moulin rouge..I need to get out of my disney phase

lots of love....I need a new icon

Today is my birthday....YAY! I went yesterday to my Grandpa's since it was his 81st birthday and then we both celebrated. I got a shit load off scrapbooking stuff from my tio and tia because seriously I love that stuff. Then went to shopping with my mom for Hawaii clothes. and then after that it was about 9 so me and Joel went to Downtown Disney because he wanted to celebrate my birthday with me since we are all going somewhere tonight. It was great, Dinner at my favorite reserant and then walking through world of disney and watching him run around trying to find me a present. He got me a little lilo and stich picture holder, because he is my stich, and an anklet which i have to wear as a braclet because I have huge ankles and a lovely disney ring. I didn't get home till 1 3o in the morning. I got to sleep in and I'm alraedy having a great day. YAY. and THanks to everyone that already left me comments on varieus site wishing me happy birthday. I love you guys

<td align="center"> lolomonster --
[noun]:

A person who laughs at anything (even this entry)

'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com</td>

sounds like me!

I don't know if anyone will read this but I have talked to my father and he wants to go to Disneyland. He is going to drive so I'll save my gas but I don't know if you guys want to hang out but I'll be there with my dad and I won't ditch him. It's up to you guys. But I won't be hurt if you guys don't want to hang out. Afterall it is my father...he's not that bad but it's your guys' trip and well you are leaving soon. If I don't get to see you I have already said my goodbyes And I love you all....

I am alive, I swear. Pirates Premere was freaking awesome! Got to see the Indiana-ians, be with Joel and my sissy. So everything went ok. I actually tolorated Elizabeth and I didn't want to scream at the scream(always a plus) and my woobie died but not really LOL Denial is a great thing. And now I really want to be a pirate. And the scene at the very end was so freaking heartbreaking/woobie/cuddle scene ever. I LOVED it. I am not going to Disneyland with is ok with me but uggg I want to just go to Disneyland and people watch and charater hunt. I don't know I just can't wait for this semester to be over.

I have Finals next week. I will pass all of my music class I'm just worried over English and History should be ok. I don't know I just want to be able to not stress. As hard as that is to believe, I want to be done with school already.

I can't wait for Hawaii I can't believe it's only 3 weeks away, I seriously just want to lay in the sun and swim in the ocean. I sorta want to learn how to surf but I don't think I'm going to have the chance to do it. I haven't even looked to see if I have enough skirts and shorts....oh I need to go get bermuda shorts...I love those. Yes I know I'm wierd. I don't like my knees and I love it when they are covered. If you don't know what I'm talking about ask Amanda or Annie...they still laugh at me. Oh well LOL.

I'm at mom's work right now just typing away. I don't get to really see her anymore and I really miss her. Sorta sad since I still live at home and she practically lives at work. But lately I have been at school or with Joel so I really don't care at the moment that we are in different part of the office as long as I can throw things at her.

I found out what we are doing for my birthday. Mom told me today, I'm really excited. Me, Joel, Mom and Dad and my Tio and Tia are all going to the Improve on that Sunday since you don't have to be 21. I'll be 19 and so yeah....but it will be fun. My Uncle and Aunt haven't meet Joel yet and I know they will like him, since he is very nice and funny and I love him so they will be happy for me. Like everybody is for me...I hope that is LOL

Well I think I might go bother my mother....BOTHER BOTHER BOTHER! LOL

I think I want a new layout, what do you guys think? maybe disney LOL

Well if I don't see any of the Indianaians before they leave, I'm sorry I love all you guys I had fun and hope I didn't scare you too badly. And if I do see you guys..then...Well I still love you guys.

THE END IS NEAR...not reallly, just have my doomed recital today....i'll be ok...

We had a scare last night, my step uncle Rene died. me and mom didn't know what was going on, my dad was crying all we heard was oh god dad. And the first thing I thought was that my grandpa had died. So yeah, I don't know what's going on, since I didn't know him at al. 

On a lighter note, I got Pirate tickets with Amanda, so YAY! And I actually finished my report on the Zoot Suit Riot last night at a decent hour and it's in my folder..mwhahahaha! I dropped my math class..yeah no comment.

Well that aboiut it, now to go and finish makeup and figure out what i'm going to wear.....Pray for me PLEASE!

Leave a list of five fictional characters in your journal that you would love to get a message from. It is your friend-list's mission, should they choose to accept it, to write you an in-character note from a character on that list 
I have like 10 hours till i see my dream musical. i've been listening to it for the past week straight, i'm so excited. I just have to figure out what to wear..... love to you all since i won't be on for a while i do believe. with the conduter thing which is complete hell and what not.

last night was fun we ditched our dance class since the teacher wasn't there and i didn't want to be there. so we went to dinner with some friends and then when back to erin's house and watched super troopers. LOL funniest shit ever, never gets old. and then i got molest by everyone...it was gropeing all around...yeah it was interesting but fun none the less....now to shower since i have to leave for hell soon.

YAY i downloaded and set up my own mood things that i found on the net i'm very proud but tired since i just got home from playing 6 hours straight i'm surprised my jaw hasn't falled off. i get to dance and play tomorwow JOY....now i go to bed since i've achieved what i was looking forward to all day...

2 more days till WICKED!

ok i have school today and it's going to suck some major ass... thought you all would enjoy knowing that

i have to leave in 20 mins and i'm sitting on my ass only half dressed,.,.that's me.

anywho, i went shopping yesterday got new swimsuits and other things...i still can't believe i spent 100 bucks at walmart*hangs head in shame* but i bought very comfy flip flops and some booty shorts....OH and i bought disney movies....oh yeah! i still the empoeror's new groove

i put a new layout on myspace up....and actually organized my pictures....that's it...wish me luck that i don't die today....OH SHIT I NEED TO GET GAS

Went to Disneyland on Wednesday with my mom and it was fun, seriously.

and then continued to paint the fence yesterday, with joel's help. lol

nothing more to say, oh mom booked the hawaii trip and amanda knows. it's going to be fun! and I have a shit load to read about it oy!

and to all my friends in Indiana, I took a picture for you all!


can't wait for you all to come out!

ok so new layout i don't know if i like it yet. i just woke up and i have no clean clothes and that depresses me. i need to clean and do laundry and then go to kinkos for my dad.

oh yeah and school. I really don't like this semester i mean i love my music classes but all my other classes need to die. i am doing so bad in them. i hate it. the englis teacher is an ass and i just want to tell him off but i want to know my grade. OY i say to you.

on a happier note. i bought very rockabilly dress that i will wear to the weddings.....yay for having matching shoes...that make you 6 foot. joel is going to love that....right.

well i need to go get up i guess..

oh yeah went to dumount and kicked ass got blisters and a wicked sunburn but it's all good. loves to you all

ok, i finally got a library card and can get on the computers here at school YAY. and finally. I can't seem to find msn messanger to fucking talk to anyone so now I have to go to class even though i ditched my math class to finish my reading for my history class. Oddly enough i feel like a college student. if it weren't for the fact that i live at home. My recital date got pushed back a month*does happy dance* and I have an appointment with the accompinment person and all i really need to do is talk to a conclor and i'll pretty much set. YAY.

Yay! Disneyland in 2 days....now to go to class and talk to the mormon

To do list
-work on turning off my brain.
-learn to not listen to people, care only about what i love.
-learn fucking bassoon piece.

Yeah my day summed up. I'm tired and bitchy. Mom made me feel so much better, dad isn't talking to me still. Oh well i'm over it.No one is going to pay for my car, except me. I made icons and submited mine for the phantom contest thing.

Hoe came over and we chilled, I didn't realize how much I missed her. Some time she drives me crazy but that is because we are so alike i guess. But I don't know who I would rant to when I go insane. I love my little sister. I feel so negative, well the past couple of days. I hate it, because seriously I don't like being negative I would rather be crazy and cracked out. I will just get out of this mood, when my body says so.

This post is practically pointless since it's just me rambling. And now I'm talking to Joel. It's 11 and I want to sleep. Good Night

I had a total bitchen day, well compared to my day yesterday. For those who didn't hear, a trash truck hit my car and this is what i found when I just about to leave.


So needless to say I was pissed,late for school and about to kill someone for not being able to find my meds. But then I met Joel's Mom and hung out with his little brother. It was fun.

Today was better because I got to hang out with Joel, in which he deceied to seranade me, which was uber cute, He almost made my cry(happy kind) and I've never smiled so long that my cheeks started to hurt. it doesn't help that i played for 2 hours straight.

So i thought i would say that i'm happy even though I feel odd saying so. Oh I finished my self portrait and it's up on my face book if you would like to see.......

loves to you all!

So new layout! Yep I couldn't think of anny good layout and I ended up with that. I like the colors. And I caved in and did the upgrade for the icons....yep that's me.

Annie spent the night last night and we hung out yesterday. We didn't do music like we were planning to do. But we did do dress trying on and I pretty much found ones that are for the wedding coming up. I told mom and she wants to see them, so we are doing that next week. And speaking of weddings. Janelle is engaged and is planning to get married a month after Julie and I was talking to mom and you know what she said" you should take a date...like joel."

Oh yeah he met them on Friday, he was nervous but didn't show it. it went well. it's good that he isn't shy...and i didn't get shit from mom and dad and that is like omg great. So I don't know about the wedding ness.....i mean i don't know if i will be able to take someone and it's like my whole family. And I don't even know if he would like to go. I mean I don't know, I really like this guy. i would hate for him to be like omg meet your family...like the WHOLE FAMILY.

I did all new layouts today, my livejournal and my myspace. And new pics on both....yay for procrastination. I didn't do any homework all week. But I did read and eat alot. This book is like omg messing with my emotions. It doesn't help that i'm like all achie and moody. oh Well!. Well I need to pay attention to Amanda....and oh yeah when are we going to disneyland...oh annie is going like the end of the month. do you want to go that day?